Over the last two weeks, I have had trouble with getting to work on time even if I get up on time. Even if I leave the house on time, I don’t get to work on time. I don’t know what it is or what is going on, but I have realized that working a 9-5 job is not for me. Having to work and make money off of someone else’s time and dime is not something I want to be doing. I do not want to get up at a certain time of day because if I don’t I won’t get paid. I don’t want to ask for permission to leave early for an appointment for my health. I don’t want to feel restricted.
One of my main issues with working a corporate job is the lack of freedom. I feel in a corporate setting I have no freedom, I feel guilty for asking off or taking a mental health day or just leaving early to go to a doctor's appointment. Currently, I work in a school as a substitute teacher and I feel a bit restricted and tied down. I also currently feel a bit judged, I have always felt judged in a 9-5 setting because I am the person whose head is in the clouds, super nonchalant and enjoys going with the flow, and I chose to live freely. Since I am those things, I feel people see me as ditzy, careless and inattentive. Especially because recently I have had students skip class in my classroom without me noticing fully 3 days in a row. I notice but it always seems that by the time I notice it is too late and one of the higher ups is looking at me like I don’t know how to deal with kids. Or I don’t know how to do this job or I am inattentive. None of those are true, but sometimes I can’t help but to feel like it is true, because having 3 different kids skip class 3 days in a row is absurd!
" Even a fraction of your essence will be too much to handle for the wrong people, too bright for eyes that aren't used to seeing a walking embodiment of authenticity, and too full for anyone that hasn't addressed the voids that exist within themself"
When I started this job I felt the same way I do now, I felt doubted and frowned upon. I feel unwanted. I have the confidence and the courage to continue to persevere through the complaints and doubts but I won’t sit here and act like they don’t bother me, because at the end of the day I will always show up for my job, I will always try my best, I will always be open to constructive criticism and working on it. Even with all of that I feel as if they will forever see me as someone who is not worthy enough to be here. I personally feel like I don’t belong here due to the fact I have different goals for myself. I don’t want to be tied to the societal standard of living. Going to school, college, getting a degree working at a job that underpays and overworks you, then you get married, have a family and die. That shit sounds terrible. I'd much rather my life sound like this; school, experiences, travel, have fun, find your passion, make it a career, then travel some more, have a family, experiences/ travel, die. I just feel like there is more to life than the norm. ESPECIALLY in this day and age! The world is going to shit anyways might as well try to enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I know this sounds privileged due to the fact that not everyone has the opportunities to just enjoy life. I am sorry if my complaints possibly offend anyone that is not my intention. Love you guys and hope you guys enjoyed the read! Bye!
Are you content with your place in life right now?
Yes
No
I don't even know
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