This past week has been a bit of a roller coaster for me, starting off the new year quite hectic and let me be very honest. I AM NOT HERE FOR IT! It has only been a week and I am tired and traumatized. I have had 3 anxiety episodes within the last 2 days alone. I have started to feel overwhelmed with the current and upcoming energies of the new year, causing me to freak out for no reason at all. I started in a new position at my job, and I honestly love the position that I am in. I get to work alongside my bestfriend and some amazing inspirations I had growing up, but for some reason I just couldn’t see the brighter side to everything this past week. I’ve been easily triggered, and just terribly emotional for absolutely no reason. Especially because on January 1st, 2023, I couldn’t do anything but smile at all the goals I set for myself, and how everything was falling into place.
Sad to say my mind does not always enjoy working with me and it decides it wants to take its own path. I’d be having an amazing start to the day all bubbly and bright but for some reason those bright bubbly days take a turn for the worst. I go from feeling like I can take on the world to wanting to be buried under a rock and not coming out for as long as I have anxiety. I have been anxious when it comes to writing a new post for the blog, because I feel as if I only get on here to complain about my life. I feel I don’t actually help people during the transition period of our lives, but I am trying to remind myself that to someone, it will ALWAYS come off as complaining. I need to just be honest with myself and this platform, my honesty with the struggles of my day to day life is what mainly helps and encourages people. Most people don’t want to openly discuss some of the issues they face which can make people feel alone. When consuming social media and never seeing or hearing about our favorite influencers or celebrities having a bad mental health day or even a bad hair day, we start to condition ourselves to believe that it’s not normal to have bad days where you’re unmotivated. We strive for perfection which is an impossible goal to reach, we strive for the perfect body, hair, face, and life. Something that is always aesthetically pleasing to our feeds, and that makes everyones Pinterest boards. It is nonsense and unrealistic, it is causing people pain and making natural transition struggles even more problematic!
Today was just one of those days where I felt like I was wrong with the world. I was feeling very insecure and tired, constantly crying and didn’t feel safe enough to express why. I felt alone today, all of my friends were busy and I didn’t want to ruin the fun they were having based on their story feed, by calling them crying and saying I just don’t want to be here. I feel they would get annoyed with me and roll their eyes, stating they don’t care and it’s not that big of a deal. But I know they don’t feel that way and they won’t react that way because they just want to make sure I am okay.
Even the other day I was talking to someone new and I am really starting to like this person, but apparently as a true Aquarius woman, I wanted to run away from the fact that I started to enjoy this person who adds to my happiness. Sadly this area of my life was not off limits to my anxiety and unrealistic thoughts. The more I started to like this person I started to create more unrealistic fears and scenarios with this person in my head. They said they like me and they like taller, bigger women, which is exactly what I am. My mind then says to me, they don’t like my size, they like “big” women.
Women who have a big butt and big boobs but the waist needs to be nonexistent! My waist cannot exist to be worthy of this person's liking and infatuation or even love. They also stated they like black women! My anxiety says, “they like mixed black women, not fully black women.” My mind has been playing tricks on me, sending me into a panic frenzy making me feel unworthy of everything I have been praying and asking for. I don’t know if it is because I am apparently the true embodiment of an Aquarius, that I am trying to give myself reasons to run in the opposite direction of feelings, or because of my anxiety. Because my mind has decided to drive the boat and throw me overboard to swim with the fishes, it is madness, absolutely preposterous. I now have to actively get up and fight something I cannot even see, I have to remind myself I am worthy of love no matter my size, my hair, my skin tone or my occupation. I am worthy of living because I just AM! I am worthy of everything full of love and light, because I just am! Not based on my jean size, or how little food I can eat in a day to make sure my waist is small. I am actively fighting, everyday, even on my good days to make sure that they stay as good days. So, that being said…. If you are actively fighting I see you. If you are actively trying your best I see you. If you feel like sometimes you don’t want to exist I see you! You are not alone and you will never be, I love you guys. Look for the positives in your bad days, because those positives give you another reason to survive. Anyways from the Clueless Babes brand.
Signing off, Xo,
-Clueless
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