As the holiday season approaches rapidly, I have gotten more and more aware of how my family makes me feel. Everyone at my job has asked me about what are my plans for the holiday season, and I tell them honestly probably nothing. Which is true because for the day of Christmas I don’t have anything planned at all, and for Thanksgiving my plan was nothing, nothing but sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and streaming my favorite shows. However my family wants to do things together for the holidays which is the opposite of what I want to do.
I don’t always enjoy being around my family, I never truly have enjoyed it because of past experiences and every time I attempt to change my opinion they find a way to support my belief in them. A little over a month ago my uncle passed away, due to his passing my family had to fly down and attend the funeral. This means being in the same space as my family for at least a week which wasn’t as blissful as it may sound. I love my family, I truly do but I typically love them from a distance! While my family was down here my sister and I got into a massive fight, over the stupidest shit you could possibly think of. Now when my parents found out about it, all hell broke loose and I realized something that genuinely broke my heart but opened my eyes. My family will probably NEVER understand me. They will never take the time out to try to understand me because they can only see what I am doing wrong. For example, while fighting with my sister in my car, I told her get the fuck out and walk to her destination since she wanted to act crazy in my car. Apparently I was wrong for doing that, and that was ratchet and ghetto. Let’s be honest though, if someone enters your space, and starts to disrespect it or you, you’re going to kick them out. You’re not going to take that shit! I simply did the same thing as anyone would do if they were in my shoes.
Now bringing it back, my sister is in town for the holidays, and I am anxious. I genuinely don’t want to have to deal with my peace being interrupted, the possibility of another fight, or just being judged about the choices I make. It’s exhausting to know they’ll never understand, and no matter now I put it or what I say, they’ll genuinely just never fucking get it. Luckily I have friends that understand me and help me when I am dealing with pressures of society, myself, and my family. Thank you to the friends that make my shitty moments seem way less shitty, and thank you to my boyfriend who supports me even when he’s 8,000 miles away. I love all of my babies, and thank you for being my chosen family that brings me peace. Last thing, if your family is toxic, leave them! Heal yourself and leave them! Don't try to change them just leave. Let us know in the comments if you experience something like this with your family, and join the community We're Actually Fucking Crazy to tell us more about your family issues. Thanks for reading
Signing Off
-Clueless <3
Thank you for this safe space Clueless, I still get anxiety when I'm eating in big family dinners and sometimes I just want to tell them to get the fuck out too.